well, people have always seen the happy me,
i guess there's also another side of me people don't know about and here i am confessing.

i enjoy pain. like there is pleasure in pain. i know i sound so sadist now, but yeah i realized i'd rather be physically hurt. and if it were to be emotional i find a sort of pleasure in it too.
this sounds sick but i love pain. i love the feeling. it's like you know you're still alive even when it hurts so bad.

i do have suicidal thoughts. it has ever crossed my mind. nut taking my life have never been appealing to me. i'm not crazy or anything, im just letting out what has been going through in my mind. ive stood on the 15th floor of the HDB flat and looked down. i was thinking, should i end it all here? but then when i thought of God, of my family i knew it wasn't worth it. i used to cut myself too. no one knew. only me.

i love pushing myself whether its a bad or good thing. somehow i just want to see to what extreme can my body take. i dont care if i'll get hurt cause i believe if its time for me to go, its just time for me to go.

i can be a real cunning person. i can stab someone right in the back but i choose not to. i find no pleasure in hurting others and i'd rather people hurt me then myself hurting someone else.

i hear voices in my head. sometimes like screaming. but i know its just my own thoughts. i tend to think too much that sometimes whe im conversing with someone i just get lost in the conversation cause im too deep in my thoughts.

sometimes when i cant scream when im frustrated i scream inside, like really, even if i don't scream verbally my throat will still hurt. it's kinda hard to explain.

if you hand me a box of cigarettes i can finish it fast. that's why i try not to buy a box, i might even smoke 2 sticks at one go. i'm a social smoker but i can be a heavy one when i want to.

im a good liar and i lie only when the situation calls for it. i don't lie about minor stuff and i dont do it to hurt people or break their trust.

i dare swear i can be a loner. and im just a person who loves experimenting so it is hard for me to say no but i stick to my principles.

im not really sociable. well yeah it depends i can be deemed as anti-social but its just that i take time to open up to people that's all.

i love stoning. it's like you get to see yourself from the outside of our body, like your soul leaving your body for that moment.
okay maybe now you guys may think im pyschotic but i assure you im sane:)
just a little disturbed thats all.

im just me and i guess i'll never know me.

(12:16 AM)